Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Dear Diary. (2)
Dear Diary , there is one thing I won't understand. I'd came through a rather odd conversation with Lisa the other day. She asked me a question , a question everyone is trying so hard to find but only a few succeeded on seeking the true answer for themselves. " Have you found the reason why you're borned , Joel ?" Lisa asked , which sent me into a complete blank. I thought I knew the reason but it just doesn't feel right , it doesn't feel right at all.
I know what are you thinking right now , Diary , but no , searching for someone you love isn't the reason why everyone is breathing on this very world right now. Love is part of Life , not the reason why we're living. Thanks to Lisa , the emotions had taken over me. I do not have the strength to control myself , I could not laugh nor could I be the old me anymore. I've became an arrogant fool who does not respect the opposing decisions , I've became a devil who got mad on his own parents for doing their job , I've became a useless pile of shit that doesn't worth anything.
Well , I dont think this is entirely related to the question of the reason why I am borned. I really don't know who am I or what I've become. I figure out if this goes on , I'm not going to succeed on everything I'm aiming to achieve , even getting the girl who I'm so desperate in love with. Dear Diary , I need strength , I need to know how to overcome the devil in me , I need to know how to fight myself , I need to know... am I really that useless?
Anyway , Happy 18th Birthday , Joel.
Joel , Signing out.
.
14th September 2009
Dear Diary , everything is different now. Due to my unsual characteristic , I have less friends , less love from my family , I don't seem to feel the 'Me' in myself anymore. But there's someone who never let me down , or maybe we just got close to each other , that's why she won't realise I'm different. Well , I'm not letting this only chance go.
Mika came across the 7-11 where I was working in , such fate huh? Now , I guess you would know my answer about trusting fate. We talked a little and decided to meet each other more often since we've found a similliarity in us both , Ice-cream Soda. We went to the park after dinner just now , nothing special , just talking about our lifes. Eventually the park was not entirely empty , there was a few couples taking their walk of romance under the blinking stars , holding hands while embracing the lake as moonlight shines upon. Old couples taking a walk with their grandchildrens as the kids was running around , nothing to stress about in life yet.
Mika and I sat down on an old bench by the corner of the playground. I tried so hard not to lose myself again , but whenever the cool breeze brushes her hair , sending a trail of Dove-like scent across my nose , I had no choice but to be paralized , I lost myself once more by the stunning beauty. She looked at me with a smile and asked if I was fine. " . " Ahh I think potato chips are awesome too." I replied. I swear that was originally random after being locked up by her smile and that was the first time I said something that made her laugh , well that's something worth keeping as an achievement don't you think ?
I walked her home at precisely 9.35 , I would never forget what she said to me before she left me back to the dark streets alone. " I had fun with you , Joel. We should do this more often. Will you text me in the morning ?" , 'I will. I promise'
After she turned her back on me , I was hoping she would turn around , just one more time. Did she turn back you asked ? That'll remain a secret , Diary , forgive me , AGAIN. Well , I better go now , I guess I am too excited right now.
Joel , Signing out.
.
19th September 2009
Dear Diary , roses are red , violets are blue , theres nothing in the world is as gorgeos as you. As usual , Mika and I went to the park once more , but this time is completely uncomparable with the previous so-called-date. We were more than just close friends , the awkward between us both had somehow dissapeared.
I don't want to drag around as I got excited bragging about Mika again.We went to the park , but this time , we chose a different route, I mean a longer route to have our walk. We sat on a location where the sky is clear , the breeze is cool , the lake is visible , and the place where every lover would like to be with the one they love. I guess my wish came true! Mika and I were laughing of a certain topic I care not to remember because that is not the main point.
We met the silence after a few laughs , the clouds made ways for the moon to shine on Mika's angel-like face , at that moment , my heart accelerated , my hands became sweaty and I feel the temperature in my body rising up. I'd never witness an Angel's sitting by my side , I couldn't help myself and pushed a few words right from my mouth , "y-you're so beautiful.". She turned to me embracing my clueless expression for a second there and remained silenced. I thought to myself that I've gone mad saying that right at her face , never felt this kind of embarassment in my entire 18 years in my life.
Right before I could apolagise for my foolish uncontrolable words , she said to me while embracing the moon above our heads , " Do u.. like me ?" then turned her head facing directly at mine. Hence , asked again with a hauntingly serious tone, "Answer me Joel , do u like me.". I was silenced back there , confused what would be the right answer. Without hesitation I replied " Yes, Mika , I like you. "
She shifted her head and met mine , our breathing was so near to each other I could feel her warmth brushing over my cheeks. The scene was so quiet I could hear her heartbeat , it was at the same rhythm as her breathing. Unexpectingly she added , "kiss me." That's when I thought God from the stars above gave me this chance , I have this one chance on getting something I desperately needed.
As seconds ticks by , I slightly angled my lips to her , giving her the kiss she wanted , the kiss I would willingly give. Our lips met and felt her warm breath against my lips , warm as our kiss got intense. Although the kiss lasted no longer than 8 seconds , but this is a kiss none of us would ever forget. Looking deeply into her eyes , I would go for another try but I was afraid I ask too much from a new born relationship.
I walked her back , as usual. The journey was covered with silence by awkwardness. Well , I don't blame neither of us , I was too excited. Before she left , she asked me a simple question , a question I would give my honest heart as an answer. "Will you still love me in the morning?" , I replied after giving her a feathery kiss on her forehead , " No matter what happens , baby."
Joel , Signing out.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dear diary. (1)
Dear Diary , I'm signing in from this unwelcomed rainy night in one of the two most relaxing days in everyweek , which is the days I get to sleep till noon. Ahh that's my favourite part. I have no idea what's with everyone around me nowadays , seems like they've been consulted by love. I always get this most common asked question , ' Do u believe in fate ? '. Well , I won't tell you my answer , Diary , I'd rather keep it a secret , forgive me . Well , I guess everyone is finally hitting their LEGAL on everything age , which is when love takes over their lifes , meeting Mr / Mr.s Right , I guess ?
Due to my current circumstances , I'm poor and oh so desperate to find a part time job to support myself in college , so love isn't really my thing right now. All I have in mind is job , money , job , money , job , money , sleep , McDonalds , cats. Wait , CATS ? I was just fooling around, anyway I'll run back to where I was. My father , head of my high school counselor , have been giving me a harsh time on my young-adult life , which is why I had a bad 5 years on my high school.
Anyway , my dad is supremely worried about every teenagers soon-to-come excitements , yes Diary , Sex. He would randomly choose a random time from 8 to 9 pm , well to be precise , 8.47pm , on a random location like our balcony with a random lighted candle and a random Yiruma's well played piano songs , PS: Yiruma is my dad's favourite. I would sense it when my dad is going to speak awkward topics by my ears. The first line from his lips would most probably be , "Son, you have grown up to be a fine man , and so there are alot of things u have to know in life.... " and yeah , there is nothing I would like to add.
Alright now Diary , I guess that is enough chatting for awhile. Wish me luck on finding a part time job tomorrow , off to bed. See you soon.
Joel , Signing out.
.
Dear Diary , I'd went out with a couple of close friends two days back and it gave me an inspiring sight when a girl with silky long brownish hair , a pair of golden brown attractive eyes and her pair of Vincci high heels steps into my friend , Jason's open house. Her smiles have blinded the 180 angle of my sight , everything turned dark as she was closing in and that is when I saw a bright white dress dancing with the owner wearing it. Her laughters would silence everything around me as the glass of orange juice I was wielding spilt a little. I got completely caught off by her voice , her face , her skin , her scent , everything.
I never actually knew what happened in the party as my eyes was focused on that annonymous girl , there was nothing strong enough to draw my attention from such beauty. Everything about fate or love makes sence now , except for my father's theory of safe sex. I have never felt this way , my body had butterflies , experiencing joy and love for the first time eventhou I told you love isn't my thing for now. I promised myself I got to know this girl , as a friend or lover ? I will get to it next time.
I got hired in a 7-11 nearby , which is where I'm going to start working tomorrow. But before I sign out under this eerie moonlight shine above my head , sitting on my swing at my balcony with seemingly cute blue sparkling linked rice lights of romance , let me ask you a question , Diary. Do you believe in fate ?
Joel , Signing out.
.
Dear Diary , let me introduce Mika. We were officially introduce by Jason , Mika turned out to be Jason's childhood friend , they were best friends since they were 6. Well , to be honest I was jealous of Jason to have such beautiful best friend. BeeTeeDoubleU , I went out once more last night with Jason , Nick , Joyce , Lisa and Mika. I never thought of going out after my tiring shift at 7-11 , but I'm glad I said yes when Jason asked me out. I wasn't expecting to see Mika there too.
Life felt better when the six of us sat on that fancy swing-like seat in a fancy restaurant called Viva-La-Swingz , wierd name huh ? Anyway , I was trying to stay cool as I don't want to destroy my Mr. Preety Face image to Mika , just joking , but really. I tried to stare at her beautiful sparkling eyes without letting any of the 5 noticing my desperate act , it would be embarassing if someone voiced " Why can't you get your eyes of Mika , Joel. ". I was lucky though , no one noticed , but every second I looked at her , the more i got attracted. Somehow , I just can't get my eyes of her , for a second there I hope our eyes had met , hoping I could smile at her if that happened , and she would smile back as a reply.
Fact about Mika , she's definately a shy girl. She kept herself at the corner of the table looking at her blueish soft drink. I don't really care what drink that was but even the way she inserts the little round and long plastic tube we call straw into her parted lips was astounding.
So everyone left early last night as something came out to be rather troublesome to the football fans , the match of ManUnited with some not so famous team was pushed earlier that night so they had to rush home in order to not miss the opening. Mika finally said something when there was just the three of us , her oh-so-smooth and sweet voice became a my music box that was played in my mind 24/7 , the melody running over my body would send out a wave of warmth through every part of me , I feel nothing but joy.
Diary , am I in love or is this just a illusion every guy has to face. One thing for sure , this is the first time I'd ever felt this way , my heartbeat accelerated when she was near , my eyes were blinded by her beauty when she smiled , the scene was silenced when she speaked , and I thought super powers were just a myth. I got fully attracted by everything related to her , even the most simple thing she would do like tapping the table with her finger would leave a deep impression in my heart.
I cannot get her out of my head , Diary. Lights off now.
Joel , Signing out.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
100 Days. Part One .
There’s always something, someone lighting up our days when it seems bleak , the darkness surrounding you and all-consuming .when that something is gone, you find it hard to go on . My mom always uses the word ‘Cherish’, because I know at the very moment my father closed his eyes and fell into eternal slumber when I was 16 ,that magical light in her heart had just ... disappeared , hidden away in the deepest valleys of her heart .
My mother has her own way of conveying death in lighter, brighter tones .she never fails to make people realize death is something everybody has to face sooner or later. After my father’s unfortunate departure, I became the only guy in the family. Sometimes, she would sneak into my bedroom and sit beside me when I’m asleep. I never know why she had done that but my guess is, she misses father, more than she misses anyone else.
Although father left us at when we were still young, mother never fails to keep me healthy and safe. She keeps the house in pristine condition, everything spick-and-span in this small house we call home. She would never let me help her with the chores no matter how tedious and bothersome it was. My mother, she never liked people helping her with the chores because "help" usually meant more trouble for her. I remember that day when I graduated from high school, my eyes scanned the crowd when I was on stage, accepting the precious certificate that meant so much for my mother and I. I saw my mother, sobbing in elation into the small lace handkerchief that I was told, was my father's gift to her on their very first date. She approached me and hugged me as tight as she could, and whispered “Your father would be very proud of you honey.”
My father on the other hand was a handsome and generous man. He loves telling me stories about my grandfather and how he met my mother way back then. It was a stormy night when my dad had his dinner with his pals in an Italian restaurant. He said “I was having my pasta when I heard the most beautiful voice across the room. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. She was like no girl I had ever met before. I didn’t believe in things like love-at-first-sight and Cupid's arrow and you know. But the moment I met your mother, I knew, I knew that she was the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with. She was just so beautiful."
All these scenes keep flashing across my mind before I close my eyes and go to sleep at night. Not to mention, I’ve missed my dad’s style of walking, talking or even his musky aftershave, the gentle scent of a father. My mother never told me how my father died, nor would I dare to ask her. The only time I asked, she paled and she walked past me without seeing, walking to the window where she started sobbing gently. I remembered being shocked but awhile later my mother wiped away her tears and said sadly: "Oh, baby, I want to tell you so much, but you just aren't ready yet." Naturally I am curious but I have let it go as I do not wish to intrude on my mother's privacy.
It was 5 years after my mother lay dying on the hospital bed. It was 3 in the morning when I received a call from the hospital saying she doesn’t have much time left. I went to the hospital as fast as I could, made a wild turn to my mother’s ward. Her eyes were so tired, as she hadn’t slept in weeks. She lifted her head and pushed forward to meet mine. She gasped, hence parted her lips and said “Son, remember what I told you after your father died?” As she slowly lifted her arms to my cheek, wipes away my tears gently with her old, yet firm hands of hers. “Don’t cry, baby. I am going to meet your father at last. You should be happy for me. Don’t worry, I'm not afraid of death. God has blessed me with a loving husband and a wonderful son. You have grown up to be such a fine young man. Remember all those games we played when you were young, the riddle box, the House Of puzzles, the great times we had when you were young? Cherish those memories . . . these happy memories will give you hope you when you feel all hope is lost . . . Oh , baby I love you so much . . ." She drew a long rasping breath . I knew then she couldn’t last much longer.
I closed my eyes, trying so hard to hold back my tears. I can hear sobs from the nurses standing at the back of the ward, I can hear the clock ticking on the wall. I grabbed her arms tightly, I smiled to her and said “I love you, mom. I promise you, I’ll be a great dad and a loving husband.” She nodded a little and smiled. “That’s my baby.” The moment she closed her eyes, I felt the pain flooding through me, the darkness suffocating me. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before, it felt as though someone had just drew a blade and slashed my soul in two.
That morning, rain fell in a misty haze. I wondered if the rain were my father’s tears from the afterlife. "I miss her already, dad." I said to no one in particular .I lay down on my bed, as I slowly recall what we’ve gone through, as a family. Tears flooded my eyes once again, as it slowly leaves a glistening trail on my face, glowing incandescently as a ray of sun traced itself upon my face.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Chances - Five For Fighting
really nice song
well,if you think he's kinda f-faced. just listen to the song
Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today
Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be
Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you
I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah
Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing
Chances chances
Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need
Sunday, November 1, 2009
owl city - fireflies
Owl City - Fireflies
lyrics:
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
Please take me away from here
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
Please take me away from here
Why do I tire of counting sheep
Please take me away from here
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizzare
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams